Sunburn
by Jupiter Queen
Summary: From birth, Raven had been destined to detonate. To her great dismay, the final countdown had begun. (One-shot.) [Part 1 of 3 in Hopeless Changes Over Time.]


_**Warning**__: Discussion of suicide, violent descriptions, and dark themes._

_**A/N**__: This may just be the most grim thing I've ever written on account of the above warnings. I want to pull it off tactfully and with great sensitivity, as suicide is not something to be taken lightly, nor is it merely a plot device._

_I actually came up with this idea when I rewatched "The End (Part I)" in 2017, but I finally got the guts to finish it and try something different from my usual. I hope you enjoy this piece. I put love and heartbreak into it._

_I'm planning on writing two follow-up one-shots called "Indigo Child" and "Lucid Dreaming." I hope they come along quicker than this one did. (I'm a slow writer, so don't harm me if they're not published in a timely fashion.)_

* * *

A sunny day existed outside Raven's window. The one in her head remained bleak.

As she drew back her opaque curtains, letting the light in for once, the sunlight spilled into her room, illuminating every nook and corner. But it had no effect on the storm clouds which bogged down her mind. Her day, in strong contrast to the one before her, stayed muted and grayscale.

She adjusted her black leotard and put on her indigo cloak, adorning herself in colors that suited the mood for her soul. She perused her bookshelf, finding one of her favorite fiction novels and levitating it towards herself. With the book in hand, she walked out her door. She sought to prepare some lemon-ginger tea in the kitchen, hoping it would ease her mind as much as it would ease her stomach.

On her way into the kitchen tucked inside the operations room, she caught sight of the magnetic calendar on the fridge door.

_March 20th_.

One year until her father used her to end the world. One year until the beginning of his reign.

To her great dismay, the final countdown had begun.

She didn't think the ancient tomes on her bookshelf held an answer on how to prevent a planet's hostile takeover by an interdimensional demon. Nor did she have the answers—at least, not the answers that involve sparing her own life.

It's the only solution that had occurred to her in recent days. To take down her father, she needed to take her own life. It felt fitting, seeing that she would cease to exist when he opened the portal to Earth through her. To stop him from gaining what he wanted, she might as well take herself out sooner.

To end herself before he ended the world, one person's sacrifice would spare the lives of billions. She deemed it fair.

Whenever she thought about it, she always questioned _when_ to do it. _When_ would she take herself out? _When_ was the right time?

She dryly told herself that there would _never_ be a good time. She took a deep breath and told herself to stop procrastinating. If she saw this as the remedy, then today would be the realization.

She suspected the team remained clueless about today being her birthday.

She set her book on the counter as she prepared her tea. She opened the utensil drawer in search of a spoon, instead stumbling upon the knives, all of varying sizes. Her eyes ran over the dull butter knives that spread jam on her beloved English muffins, the plastic knives the team used when they didn't feel like washing dishes, and the steak knives Cyborg used when cutting hunks of meat (to Beast Boy's great dismay).

Her gaze lingered over Cyborg's prized possessions, sharp and shining from their stainless-steel finish. She wrapped her hands around the handle of one, picking it up and inspecting it. She ghosted her alabaster index finger over its blade, assessing its worth for later. At nightfall, she could make deep incisions on both her wrists and let herself bleed out. Perhaps she'd let the blade slice her throat and leave the world in such a manner.

"Morning, Raven," a voice called out, prompting her to shove the knife into the drawer and grab a spoon instead.

She hoped the _clang_ of the silverware did not alert him to her abnormal behavior, but, as she turned around and glanced over him, he did not betray any signs of suspicion. Then again, Robin learned from Batman on how to mask many things. Regardless, she refused to betray her anxiety.

With a straight face, she said, "Good morning. I trust you slept well last night?"

She knew he did, seeing that she used her powers to gauge his emotional state in the dead of night. She always used her empathic abilities at night, ensuring that her friends were at ease before she slept. However, she remained restless last night, so she checked on them again and again and again, doing so until she fell into a dreamless slumber.

Robin had been calmer since Slade met his demise by falling into lava. Now that he had one less problem giving him insomnia—one less reason to be alarmed for Jump City's fate (as far as he knew)—he could take it easy.

"I did, actually," he replied. "What about you?"

She stirred honey into her tea, the spoon clinking against the mug as it moved. "Not so well, but I suppose I'll be better-rested tonight."

"That's good. Wouldn't want you to lose too much sleep on your birthday," he said with a playful smirk.

Her breath hitched in her throat. With widened eyes and a hush voice, she asked, "How do you know?"

His lips dropped into a frown. "...The Titans database, remember?"

_Oh, that cursed computer of his._

"Oh— Oh, yeah. Right." With her book and tea in hand, she began walking away from him until he spoke.

"Raven, I didn't mean to catch you off-guard."

She faced him, meeting his remorseful expression. Despite his mask, his face conveyed so much. "No, it's fine. I'm just not very fond of acknowledging my birthday."

"Bad experiences?"

Given her conception by a gullible, depressed occultist and an interdimensional demon seeking to end humanity, "bad experiences" proved to be a hell of an understatement.

"You could say that."

If she puzzled him, he didn't betray it. "Oh, okay. I just didn't want to go throughout the day without saying anything, that's all."

She gave him a tiny smile of gratitude. "And I appreciate that. Just… don't mention it to the others, okay?"

If Cyborg, Starfire, and Beast Boy got ahold of this information—especially those latter two—she wouldn't hear the end of it _until_ the end of it.

He nodded. "You have my word."

"Thank you," she said before walking to the couch.

She appreciated Robin's trustworthiness. He knew how to keep matters confidential and sacred.

She sat down on the couch, set her tea on the table before her, and picked up her book. She had chosen her favorite novel of all time, giving it one last read before the day faded to nothingness.

Her pale fingers lingered over the book's cover, appreciating its embossed title one last time.

She had bought the book when the Titans had established themselves as a team. A couple years back, they all explored downtown Jump City together, splitting up to visit different stores before meeting up with each other for pizza. She had browsed the aisles of Jump City Stories, desiring some Earthen fiction novels instead of her ancient texts from Azarath.

She devoured the novel and its plot like the first time. Fiction challenged her empathy on a deeper level. In reality, she could assess the emotions of any living human, mainly those unskilled in blocking the abilities of an empath. In fiction, however, she challenged the authors to make her experience the characters' emotions with words alone, seeing that her powers did not work on paper.

This particular book remained distinctive because she could place herself within the life of the lead character. Despite the lead's determination to serve her society as a priestess, a prophecy after her birth deemed that she would be its downfall, as an uncontrollable force of evil would use her to destroy it. Unlike Raven, the main girl displayed hope that, through her righteous deeds, she could reverse the fate placed upon her. Before she could see if this prophecy came to fruition, however, a close friend who learned of the prophecy murdered her before its fulfillment.

Raven analyzed this book a million times over, contrasting it with the doom attached to her own life from birth. Having read it upon joining the Titans, it frightened her into remaining hush over her connection to Trigon. She feared being found out like the girl in the book, as her friend ultimately led to her death. Though she trusted her team with her life in battle, she remained unsure if she could trust them with it in the wake of an apocalypse. After all, the Titans sought to protect Jump City and the surrounding world from uncertain doom.

Disaster and Raven inhabited the same corporeal form. Since the monks on Azarath informed her of her fate, she likened her heartbeat to a timer's tick. From birth, she had been destined to detonate. She counted down the days until her sixteenth, wherein she would implode and take the world with her.

Upon her departure from Azarath, this band of misfits now known as the Titans accepted her, providing her with the only familial ties she had ever forged. However, the fear of persecution crept over her like the tall, looming shadow of an immense creature standing behind. Discovery paralyzed her. She knew the fate of the protagonist in her book and translated it to her own life.

While kind and familial, she knew how seriously the team took a threat. If her life's destiny became known, they would handle her the same. After dealing with Terra's betrayal, they wouldn't take lightly to a threat within their ranks again.

_If they found out…_

The frightened child within Raven—the same child scared to face her own reflection after learning her fate—pictured the Titans' horror after learning the secrets of their most secluded teammate.

The distraught on Starfire's face would surely end her.

"Raven, I do not understand. How could you do this to us? How could you have knowingly placed us in such peril?"

Robin would be furious, especially for not figuring it out sooner.

"You should have told us! At the very least, you should have told _me!_ Why did you stay silent for all these years? Huh? _Answer me_, Raven!"

Cyborg would lose another attachment to humanity. He would be in shambles.

"I don't get it, Raven… I just _don't_."

Beast Boy would be lost and wounded. His speechlessness would eviscerate her.

"Raven… _why_?"

Even Terra, nothing more than a stone remnant of the girl that existed, reanimated to taunt her.

"We're not so different—are we, _Raven?_"

After all, both girls were vagabonds who had upended or would inevitably upend the Titans.

Cyborg and Beast Boy burst into the common space. Beast Boy proclaimed his excitement over a certain video game. Under normal circumstances, she would have quipped about it pertaining to aliens, apes, or anything regarding racing, but, as the boys sat on the couch alongside her, she did not budge.

"_Raven_? Rave? Ravey? Rae-Rae?"

"Leave her alone, grass stain—she's _readin_'."

"Yeah, but I'm used to her calling us imbeciles and telling us to leave by now! She's not doing it and it's weirding me out!"

"Maybe she's just zoned out in her book."

"I just wanna hear her say _something_!"

"I need fresh air—_desperately_," she proclaimed in a wavering voice. Black energy crackled from her fingertips, threatening to strobe the lights, make appliances combust, and scramble the television's signal.

She didn't trust herself to teleport in her black raven form, so she instead scurried to the roof on foot. She abandoned her book, but did not know if she would return for it later. Everything remained uncertain. She knew she left Cyborg and Beast Boy in puzzled states, but her overthinking left her emotions overflowing. Everything remained uncertain.

She fled to the rooftop, hoping to reseal her emotions in an unrestrictive environment. She plopped down in the center, crossing her legs into a meditative position. She placed her robe- and leotard-clothed forearms on her bare thighs. Her lips fixed to murmur her meditative incantation.

"_Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos… Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos… Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos…_"

She never fought her mind's tendency to wander during meditation. If anything, meditation existed for that reason: to let the mind wander in a controlled setting. It remained contradictory that one should relinquish control of the mind in order to master it.

Within her cross-legged position and her mantra, she sought to unpack her rampant thoughts.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Breath ebbed and flowed from her body, much like the waves touching and leaving the shoreline of the island.

Once she let her thoughts run their course, her mind's eye projected a beautiful landscape.

Meditation not only restored her mind, but it also conjoined her with the natural world. The deeper she sank into her relaxed state, the lines between her air and the atmosphere blurred. The smell of salty sea breeze wafted through her nostrils. The calls from seagulls above resounded in her mindscape. The water's rhythm inspired her to inhale when it kissed the sand and exhale when it parted.

On days when she did not want to leave the tower or when the weather conditions were not ideal, she meditated before the tower's enormous windows. However, even when the California sun threatened to scorch her exposed porcelain skin,—requiring her to use the aloe vera she kept in her room—she preferred rooftop meditation. It centered her.

Ever since the Azarathian monks taught her how to meditate at the tender age of five, she never missed a day. While normal children threw tantrums and ran rampant, she sat on the balconies of temples and centered herself. No matter how many circumstances changed within her life, meditation remained a constant. She never missed a day.

She would miss it in the afterlife.

After an hour, she stabilized herself, successfully capturing her escaped emotions and sealing them. A breath of relief escaped her lips. She opened her eyes, facing the early evening sky. She walked to the rooftop's edge and sat along it, letting her legs dangle over the edge as she looked across the horizon.

The sky radiated hues of vibrant blue. Orange dusted the clouds as the sun started its descent from view.

However, she stared at the ground hundreds of feet beneath her. Sharp rock formations piqued her attention.

She pictured herself standing on the edge in the dead of night, after gauging the emotional states of her friends for a final time. Crickets would await her below. Their distinct chirping would fill her ears before the rush of air did on the way down.

After she visualized herself jumping, she flinched at the thought of actually colliding with the rocks.

_Too chaotic and too painful_, she deemed it.

She did not want her friends to find her deceased in such a manner. She did not wish to depart that way. It was loud, violent, and messy. It wasn't her.

She cast her eyes onto the ocean, watching the water shimmer with orange from the setting sun.

She saw herself standing barefoot in the sand at nightfall. She could feel the sand nestle between her toes one last time before walking onward. Water would kiss her ankles and thighs as she waded deeper. Her head would eventually disappear as she forced herself under. The water would wash away her tears and deaden her gasps for air.

_That's it_.

She resigned herself to this fate before midnight. At least she would be among an environment she loved before departing. She reminded herself to pen a letter to her friends, as she knew a goodbye without context would devastate them more than one fueled by reason.

No matter how heartbreaking, it was for them. They deserved to have a future; they owned theirs. Hers always belonged to Trigon. Tonight, she would liberate them all despite the consequences.

"The sky is most beautiful, is it not?" Starfire's calm voice asked from behind.

Raven did not flinch. She expected Starfire's presence at some point, given that she loved this space more than anyone.

Starfire flew to the edge and sat beside her. "I know that I have been here for quite some time now, but I still am in awe of Earth's features."

"Is that so?" she deadpanned.

"Greatly so." Her voice sounded lost in a trance as she stared onward at the shifting sky. It slid into a gradient of indigo, pink, and orange. "Evening on this planet resembles the afternoon sky of Tamaran." She pulled her long legs against her body and hugged her knees. "It astounds me how a place so different than my own can remind me of home."

"I never knew that," she replied in a softer voice, losing her biting edge.

Starfire nodded. "However, I grew up surrounded by cliffs, so living on this sea is quite different. Though, I must say, it is _wonderful_." She sighed with a dream-like quality. "Did you grow up surrounded by features like these, Raven?"

The more Starfire waxed poetic about the beauty of life, the more guilt stabbed at Raven's heart.

"Raven?" she called with much more concern.

Her exit would not only upend the Titans. It would _fracture_ them. Starfire's disappearance into the future severed the team. The times where Cyborg departed left the team in disarray. Robin's forced apprenticeship with Slade nearly killed all of them.

Raven didn't plan on filling her lungs with salty water until deep in the night, yet something deprived her airways.

Tears streamed down her face, leaving clear trails on her cheeks and convening on her chin. She sucked in a sharp breath, seeking to prevent the incoming torrent, but she failed.

"Sister, what is wrong?" Starfire questioned with panic.

The utterance of such an endearment worsened Raven's condition. She buried her face into her hands, convulsing with each sob. She couldn't part from her palms and respond. Her decision, her book, her deliberation, her betrayal—their force and implications sucked her under like a riptide.

She drowned under the mighty pressure of them.

"Please," she called, her own voice choked with emotion, "you must tell me what is wrong."

"Starfire, I _can't_." It would kill both of them to admit what she contemplated and why.

"You must, because something is clearly ripping you apart."

She couldn't speak. She couldn't make eye contact.

Starfire enveloped her in a hug. The two of them wept together until the sky blended into black and indigo, the current colors of Raven's soul.

After they cried themselves dry, Starfire let go and sat upright. Raven did the same, exposing her weary face for the first time in a while.

"Family issues," she confessed as if it explained everything. Despite her terse summary, comprehension radiated from Starfire's aura.

"I understand," she replied. "I know the ups and downs of that very well."

Raven sensed that troubles bigger than Blackfire existed. She figured it connected to Starfire's crash-landing onto Earth after escaping from that Gordanian ship. Regardless of her plight, Starfire remained _here_, alive and well despite the shadows that followed her from Tamaran.

She resolved to rip a page from Starfire's story. No more did she want to lose her life in that ocean Starfire had grown accustomed to viewing. She did not want to pollute the area surrounding the tower with heartbreaking loss.

She wanted to sit in Starfire's presence—her _sister's_ presence—for a while longer before going inside. She wanted to quell the confusion that Beast Boy and Cyborg emitted when she fled to the roof earlier. She wanted to thank Robin for wishing her well on her birthday, as no one ever had before. She wanted to stand outside Terra's long-unoccupied bedroom and thank her for making the Titans stronger through her betrayal. She wanted to return her book to her room and save it for her penultimate day on Earth.

She sought to remain here until Trigon came to claim her. For her friends, she would hear her heart tick for another year.

Regardless, she would never know a life beyond sixteen.


End file.
